comeoutwrong: (☁ regaining control)
[personal profile] comeoutwrong
Peter was gone, and his side of the room was now bare and empty. Effy's mum, however, had landed, and supposedly was on the island. At least, there were several texts implying it and asking where she was. Effy hadn't bothered to go find her.

There were other things on her mind right now. That project she'd started weeks ago with the paper had grown over the last week or two. From little piles on her bed, the clippings had morphed to a mushrooming montage of darkness on the wall behind her bed. Somewhere in the back of her mind, perhaps she was aware this was best got out of her system before tomorrow when she would have to go outside.

The scissors she'd used to create all this were getting idly twirled as she surveyed her little work of art. It was when she was like this you began to wonder if leaving her unsupervised with sharps was really a good idea.

[[Again, door is closed, but should anyone want to disturb her they can. The usual warnings apply. Improvement is on the horizon, I promise.]]

Date: 2011-04-28 08:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Alex hadn't seen Effy since he'd gotten back from retrieving Emma and after not seeing her around the community center, he trekked his way back to the dorms and made his way up to knock on her door.

[I apologize if I disappear randomly, there's a possibility of thunderstorms and I might have to jump off!]

Date: 2011-04-28 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The tapping made it far enough into her conscious mind to raise a reaction, and she paused in her appraisal long enough for a, "Yes?"

Somewhere in that single syllable, there might have been an implied 'the door's open' or 'come in', but it didn't quite make it to being vocalised. Maybe she assumed anyone who came by would catch the meaning.

Date: 2011-04-28 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Alex paused for a second before he pushed open the door and stuck his head just inside the door. "Effy? You hibernating or something?"

Date: 2011-04-28 09:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Or something," she repeated vaguely, tapping those scissors against her free hand as she peered down at her array of clippings.

"Are you?" she continued after a second or two. It would seem not, since he was here asking her, but she was hardly at her most logical.

Date: 2011-04-28 10:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Obviously not," Alex said, raising an eyebrow and slipping inside. "What the fuck are you doing? Art project?"

Date: 2011-04-29 10:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Effy grinned, pawing through a few of those scraps. "My porn stash," she answered. For the moment, she didn't seem especially bothered that she'd been caught. "It's everything."

Date: 2011-04-29 11:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
" stash?" he asked, sounding dubious. He stepped inside and shut the door behind him. "Why's all your porn out right now? Feeling some tension before graduation?"

Date: 2011-04-29 05:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Same," she muttered, her attention caught by something she plucked out of her collection. This all had been niggling away in her mind the same way for weeks, there were just points where her fight dropped away and forcing it all back didn't feel worth it. It was too hard.

Tonight, she wasn't internalizing for once. "If it's out, it's just out. Way, way out." He probably shouldn't expect to get a massive amount of sense out of her tonight.

Date: 2011-04-29 05:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, he was already sensing this might not be a good night for her and her mind. "What's way out, Effy? Your feelings about graduating?"

Date: 2011-04-29 11:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Effy pulled a face, and apparently declined to answer. The way she carried on fingering her strips of paper, he might as well have not been there, for all the attention she paid him.

Bit of an oversimplification, wasn't it. Graduation. It probably played its part. Everything did. But walking across a stage wasn't exactly nightmare fuel. Not for her.

"... You asked once," she said finally. Some lucidity creeping back in as she glanced back over at him. "What they said. This is it." Or, a creepy fucking visualisation of it.

A grin widened her lips. "Tada."

Date: 2011-04-29 11:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Alex quietly watched her for a few seconds before taking a few steps closer, careful not to move too fast.

"This isn't really what I hoped for when I asked that," Alex said, stopping at the edge of her bed. "Not having a good night, are you?"

Date: 2011-04-29 11:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"S'almost done," she said, rather ignoring his question. It was probably rhetorical anyway. "If it's done--" she continued, pressing two fingers of her free hand to her temple, "they can shut the fuck up because its done."

"Right?" Maybe. Wasn't getting things out supposed to do that? Supposed to make things better. Therapists were full of that shit.

Of course, she thought they were full of shit in general. But it was worth a go.

Date: 2011-04-29 11:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"I...don't actually know," he admitted, frowning again. "What's almost done though? What are you making, Effy? How about you talk to me instead of listening to them?"

Date: 2011-04-30 10:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Effy just looked at him. Duh, Alex. "What's it look like?"

Date: 2011-04-30 11:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Art project of some kind?" A really fucking worrying project honestly. "You need any help or anything? You've got a lot of stuff there."

[No worries! I'll be at work for a bit today so AFKish myself!]

Date: 2011-04-30 08:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
She did, didn't she. Effy cocked her head as she looked at him. Deciding, right now, if she thought he could.

"Think you're up to it?" Even with so many voices spinning around in her head, she could still wind him up. "Tough work. Taken me fucking weeks."

Date: 2011-04-30 09:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"I'm up for anything," Alex said, giving her a look and trying to gesture for her to move some shit so he could sit down. "This doesn't look so tough. Maybe you were just distracted or something. Too busy thinking about me."

Date: 2011-04-30 11:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Effy considered her piles, seeming to take her time deciding which to move, but when she did shove paper out the way it was done with no delicacy whatsoever. Might as well not have spent those moments making the decision, really.

Maybe she had been thinking of him. At points. But today he seemed to be somewhere further down in the priorities, since as soon as the space was cleared she was on her knees looking at her pictures and tracing the edges with her fingers.

"S' not very nice." So at least she was conscious of that. "Endings. All dark and broken."

Date: 2011-05-01 01:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Endings?" Alex asked, raising an eyebrow as he took a seat on her bed. "What the fuck are you talking about endings for? Whose endings? You'd better be just talking about fairy tales."

Date: 2011-05-01 01:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Everyone's," she answered, tapping a circled 'death' on one of her newspaper clippings. "Mine. They say about that too."

"They can fuck themselves." That wasn't somewhere she was going. Maybe thoughts slid that way, lingered on it, but no. "I'm not that scared."

Date: 2011-05-01 01:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Effy!" Alex nearly shouted her name, trying to get her mind and hands off that whole death thing. She was starting to freak him the fuck out. "Effy, fucking look at me right now."

Date: 2011-05-01 08:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Effy looked back over at him with a frown. "What?" Her mind and eyes were off it, at least, even if her fingers lingered on the wall.

Date: 2011-05-01 11:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Where the fuck are you right now?" he asked, trying to find some kind of recognition in her eyes. "You know who I am, right?"

Date: 2011-05-01 12:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The way she looked at him, you'd think he was the one spouting crazy talk about death and doom. "Alex." Of course she remembered him, and hitched a one-shouldered shrug. "I'm right here." Maybe her mind was floating a little, but she was still here.

At least his concern, forced her to drop her hand and turn a little more attention on to him. Her smile probably wasn't especially reassuring, but it was something. "See?"

Date: 2011-05-01 01:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Good," he said, reaching for one of her hands since she'd stopped fingering all the clippings. "Now, why are you thinking about your endings? What the fuck's that about, Effy?"

Date: 2011-05-01 02:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Told you," she said, and tapped her temple with her other hand (which was still holding those scissors that she should probably just put down already). "They talk."

Effy leaned a little closer, "I can't not listen."

Date: 2011-05-01 02:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"You can listen to me instead," Alex tried, shaking his head. "I'm a lot better than whatever else you might be hearing, you know. Hotter too. You don't have to listen to them. You have that power."

Date: 2011-05-01 03:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"I had that power," she said, squeezing his hand tightly. "I had it." Lately, it didn't feel much like she did anymore. "Used to be so easy, not to care. Now it's not."

Date: 2011-05-01 03:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Why the fuck not?" he asked, reaching up to cup her cheek with his hand to keep her eyes on him. "What happened that it's not easy for you anymore? Everything used to be easy for you. When did that shit change?"

Date: 2011-05-01 07:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"When I came here. Or... after," she answered. Forced to keep looking, she couldn't drift off. "I started caring, feeling... Didn't know what to do with it. I think-- It made me weak. Couldn't keep up with it all. I can't."

Date: 2011-05-01 07:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Feeling made you weak?" Alex repeated, a little slower than he had before. "Having emotions made you weak? Throwing me into that mix, aren't you?"

Date: 2011-05-01 08:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"I didn't feel things, and then I did and now I can't make it stop!"

So yeah, she kind of had thrown him in there. Which wasn't fair. Putting it on him-- putting anything on him, was wrong. And yet...

Date: 2011-05-01 08:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Oh, fuck you!" Alex said, unable to stop himself from getting pissed. "That's bullshit. I felt shit too and you don't see me talking about endings and shit. This isn't about you suddenly have feelings. This is fucking more than that!"

Date: 2011-05-01 08:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"You think I don't know that?" At least the yelling was getting more sense out of her than anything else had been, but her hands were shaking and she had to closer her eyes rather than look at him. "I know that. I'm the one. All fucked up. Always."

That'd never been his fault.

Date: 2011-05-01 08:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"You're not fucked up," Alex said even if he knew that was a lie. This wasn't his mother again but it was something like that and his heart felt sick. "Would you change it, if you could? Go back in time and not get involved with me?"

Date: 2011-05-01 09:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"No." Which proved she was not only fucked up, but masochistic. "No."

Date: 2011-05-01 09:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"What are they saying to you?" Alex asked, trying to be patient. "These things that you're hearing, what are they saying?"

Date: 2011-05-02 05:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Right now?" Effy shook her head. "Fuck all." Maybe all the yelling had shut them up. "But I know they're there. Them and their teeth, claws, always trying to break through."

Date: 2011-05-02 06:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Okay, you need help," Alex said, convinced of that. "When the fuck did it get this bad? How long have you been acting like everything's fine and not this bad?"

Date: 2011-05-02 09:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
For this, at least Effy opened her eyes again, and looked apologetic. A while. It had been building for a while, but the words to admit that wouldn't come. He'd have every right to be pissed, and she knew it.

Denial had been so much easier, than to admit it was too much now.

Date: 2011-05-02 10:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" Alex asked, sighing and shaking his head. "Did you think I wouldn't understand? Come on, Effy. You knew I would."

Date: 2011-05-02 11:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
She knew. Of all people, she knew he'd get it, but there was a part of her didn't want to put any more of that crap on him. On anyone.

"I--" she shook her head, trying to put the right words together and her voice dropped. "It's my shit." He didn't need any of it. "Thought I could handle them." Which clearly she couldn't, because it all came to this.

"I'm scared," she admitted, quieter still.

Date: 2011-05-02 11:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"I know," Alex said, reaching for her to try and gather her close to him. He didn't know if it would help or really do anything at all but he wasn't going to let her be scared on her own.

"You should have told me," he said, trying to soothe her in anyway he could. "I'll handle it. I'll fucking listen to them instead of you. Let me listen."

Date: 2011-05-03 06:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Effy shook her head, exhaling a shaky humourless breath. "You don't want them. Always fucking scratching away. Waiting, for the tiny crack." And she didn't want him with them either.

But that didn't stop her from curling herself up to him, finally letting go of the fucking scissors. "I don't want that." No need to let them get to anyone else, like they had her.

Making more sense, she may be, but still talking about them like real demons, not something in her head.

Date: 2011-05-03 06:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Yeah, and I don't want you to have them either," Alex said, sighing and tightening his arms around her. "You need to get help, Effy. If I can't listen to them, you need something. They're not going to get the fucking best of you either but you can't do this alone."

Date: 2011-05-03 10:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Effy didn't say anything, but there was the slightest hint of a nod against his chest.

They were something that needed fighting by more than just her, and she'd probably known it for a while, if not been willing to admit it. Not even really to herself.

Until then, she planned to fight them by hiding, balling up as tight as she could with her arms around him. For now, that would have to do.


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Elizabeth Stonem

October 2012

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