Room 323 [Saturday, Afternoon]

[comeoutwrong]

Sleep, still not the easiest thing to come by, and when it finally did, the timing was all off, leaving Effy crawling her way to consciousness in the early afternoon. Not that it mattered, really, since it was a weekend anyway.

There was the surfacing of the realisation she should probably get up, get dressed, go out, do something... But not really the inclination. Too many other things spinning around in her head. A brief investigation down the side of her bed revealed the bottle she kept there was empty. Well. There went that solution. Shit.

Eventually, she made the effort to slip out of bed and turn up her music loud enough to almost drown out most of the snippets of conversation in the back of her head making her twitchy, and slid down to sit on the floor, back against her bed and head dropped back against the mattress. Picking up bad, floor-sitting habits. Wonder whose fault that was.

[[Door is closed, post can be open with the warning the girl is extra messy and broken. ETA: aaand I should probably tack on an extra WARNING for delicate subject matters ahead: discussion of alcohol abuse, mental health issues, etc.]]

Comments

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

That... not such an easy one to answer, as might be illustrated by the lack of words that escaped when she opened her mouth. It would involve admitting that she was shit at asking for help, and realising when she actually fucking needed it.

"I don't know," she blurted eventually. "I don't know!"

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

"So what, just because you don't know, you're just giving up?" Alex asked, glaring now. "You're just gonna sit in your goddamn room and wait for something to happen? Way to be fucking stagnant, Effy. You want me to stop moving my arm, I want you to stop acting like you're alone!"

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

"I'm not giving up!" If she was giving up, she wouldn't be trying so hard to keep her shaky hold on all this in place. Unfortunately, cutting herself off from everything and muting the problem as much as possible was the only way she knew.

"I just... need to make it stop." Few too many feelings flying around, and being around Alex didn't help reduce them any. "I'm trying to make it just stop."

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

"It's not going to just stop, Effy," Alex said sharply, shaking his head. He shrugged her hand off his shoulder so he could rub the joint slowly, trying to get some feeling back into it.

"That's not what things like that do. They don't fucking go away because you want them to. Tell me, have your methods worked at all? They haven't, have they? Because you don't have the power to just cure yourself."

He'd watched someone close to him try for years and it had done nothing but make things worse.

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

Effy dropped her hand, pressing her lips together to help keep her facade straight.

"Used to be that easy. I could do it." And now she couldn't. Wasn't strong enough, too much letting people in, it made her an easy fucking target. This was what caring got her. Great, wasn't it?

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

"I doubt that," Alex said, shaking his head. "If they're back, you didn't stop anything. You might have tempered it or dulled it but you didn't stop anything. Nothing about what is going on is easy. Nothing."

His shoulder gave a sharp throb and he winced for a minute. "You think something that's hurting you this much is easy? I can't fucking understand that."

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

Yeah, because this was a cakewalk for her. Easy was kind of relative. Right now? Not easy, no.

"Easier." Was that better? It'd come and gone. More gone than anything else. The last week was an anomaly for her. Figured she'd just ride it out, pull herself back together. Just like she always had.

"Put the fucking sling on," she told him, watching that wince.

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

Alex ignored her order. The sling wasn't going to help something that he'd already hurt again. So, he ignored her.

"So, what's made it so hard for you now? What's changed so much that you're acting like it's the end of the fucking world and you can't handle it and everything hurts?"

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

"I can't keep it all down, all the time." She'd tried. "It's listen to them, or.. seeing dead fucking skinless things in my head," she said anger nipping in her tone as she tapped her forehead, "Things that don't stop, and don't die. Some kid setting herself on fire." Amongst a number of other lovely memories.

Felt like the time to check back at him. "What'd you choose?" Better the nasties she knew, in her opinion.

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

"What good is me answering that question gonna do?" Alex asked her, shaking his head quickly. "I'm not you, I'm not dealing with this. And I'm not asking you to choose either, fucking hell, Effy. I know you can't cure it but you're acting like you're alone and you're not."

The things she'd mentioned though, they made his skin crawl uncomfortably. "Like you can care about me and get upset when I'm hurt but fuck me, if I try to do that with you."

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

"Not trying to do that, to make it like that." It was just... so automatic at this point, relying on herself. Never tried to drag anyone else into her problems.

"I'm used to dealing with it alone. It's what I do. Can't change, just like that." Not that simple. It took a little time.

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

"You're not trying to make it like that but that's what it's like," he retorted, shaking his head. "You couldn't handle watching me when I was jerking around my shoulder. You think I really wanna watch you when you don't know where you are or I don't see you in days because you're making this room a prison?"

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

"Was in class," she pointed out. Full on hermit-ing was still a way off. "Haven't walled myself in here. Not purposely trying to make myself worse." Which was what he'd gone and done just now when he was manipulating her into an emotional response.

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

"Are you really going to argue with me about my feelings here?" Alex asked darkly. "Do you just want me not to give a damn? Would that make you feel better?"

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

"No!" Of course it wouldn't. Even she wasn't so messed up as to not want anyone to care. "What is it you want me to do? I'm trying." Just apparently in the wrong way for him.

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

"I want you to remember that you're not fucking alone," Alex snapped quickly. "I want you to not shut yourself off so thoroughly that I wonder if you've disappeared again. I want you to realize that I fucking care about you."

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

It... was difficult to argue back against something like that. She could only go conspicuously quiet for a few moments, lips half forming some reply. Words, still not her strong point.

"I know," she said eventually, voice low. Maybe simple was best. "I'm sorry." Seemed to be saying that a lot lately. Fucking things up a lot lately.

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

"Don't apologize," he said, rubbing his brow and shaking his head. "I know it's hard, Effy. I know. You don't have to tell me. You don't. You should know that. So you should know I'll be able to deal with it."

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

"You shouldn't have to." Her issues fucking with everyone else, didn't really seem fair to anyone. Like he didn't have his own problems. Another great reason to hermit.

After a breath, "But. Nice that you will."

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

"Fuck have to, Effy," he very nearly yelled. "I want to, okay? Stop acting like I'm doing this out of some sort of deluded obligation."

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

"No one wants that!" she argued. "You do it because you care, but you don't want to have to." If there was nothing wrong, wouldn't it be a shitload better? Yes. Which was exactly why she was trying to desperately to sort herself out.

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I don't want to have to because that'd mean you weren't suffering like you are," Alex said, snatching his sling off her floor and standing up. "But you are so I'm here."

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

Effy nodded silently. Yes he was. Angry, but here and giving a shit. Managed to pick that much up from this conversation.

She watched him for a moment, then stepped in to try and help him put the thing back on. Given his mood right now, she could only see him messing himself up more trying to do it on his own.

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

Alex didn't try to stop her. Instead, he let her deal with the actual sling and held his arm still so it could be slipped on. He was a little too tired to fight her on this.

[pastmewrong.livejournal.com]

Surprisingly passive for him. But this at least, was something she could do, strapping it carefully back around his shoulder.

"Don't go hurting yourself for me," she told him quietly, as she finished that off. There had to be other ways to do it, and like she really needed that extra guilt.